One after another

Thursday, 16 Feb 2012, my right ankle got swollen for the 4th time, this time the pain last 2 days till I could feel my limb numb in pain. Decided to go to HKL & luckily my lil bro was around, he actually skipped school that day to accompany me. I got on the wheel chair as my right leg can touch the ground at all. Everytime my leg touch, the pain cause my left eye to tears. After 4 hours of checking, blood test, blood pressure test & test...I was confirmed with gout. Incurable disease but could control & maintain it. That goes my youth privileges; NO SEAFOOD! NO ITALIAN FOOD! CAN'T EAT WHAT I WANT! If I want to, I could eat it once a week. Since that, I know this disease will bring more problems in my daily life, not only that, the side effects of the medicines also will disturb my physical & mental performances. Such young age with an old people disease my relatives said. Yeah, young age with 2 heavy diseases now, I need to stay strong. The 3rd disease may come sooner or later, God knows when, so I have to prepare for the worst.

Tuesday, 28 Feb 2012, I could feel my right ankle soon going to be swollen but still feel no pain yet. My medicine finished last week & I'm trying to not to depend on medicine & depends on my strict diet & exercise but the result is kinda 50-50. Time to time I need to consume the medicines. I hate it, I want to fight it but with the strict diet, its going to be tough. But I wont live in fear but I got to be careful either way. Tomorrow is gonna be my last day of work. I need to get prepared for next week, the new semester. Thought of having year break this year but its better that I complete my studies sooner before it attacks. Every semester, the challenge gets better and better. I need to self motivate with everything that I do. Plus, I did well last semester but didn't get DL. That goes my ANC for convocation then. So gotta maintain for FIRST CLASS!

However, I didn't get to feel the joy of holidays in this semester break. Time flies. Well, I need to find a new work for this up coming semester break although the new semester haven't start yet. Haha! Now what I want to is earn a lot of money so I could use it to fulfill my wishes & repay my parents' deeds. Thats all that matter now.

Road awaits

It's already February, time sure move fast. Where should I start, oh yeah! 3 weeks before finals I was so unorganized & have been keeping myself busy. A way to distract my feelings till I screwed up my Comm Research final, I guess I'll get a 'C'. Never ever had 'C' since Diploma. It is a start then for my Degree result. Alhamdulillah, we did had the talk before my final paper, now I believe that is over. I could take step by step out of this hole. Plus, I'm surprised that you become mature & religious. I'm proud and happy. Right after I fin my finals, some of us get together & play laser tag at iCity. It was fun  as we get to feel free & I was in the 1st rank among 10 of them. On 21st Jan,the next day after final, I straightly start working at my old place, SuperStar Karaoke, it took me 2 days to get back the old pace of working there & new faces.

My birthday was during CNY & my family didn't go back Sarawak as we were on a tight budget. I haven't celebrate my birthday since last year, since I entered 21 y/o. Its like, the more we become old, the less we wanna celebrate it in some part in our heart. It is just I realized that the amount that I spend for a month during study was around RM 400-RM800! I was thinking of having a part time job around my PKS7 or weekend job. Starting 10 Feb, I'll be working for Prudential insurance company for from 10.30am-5.30pm as this month I'm working evening shift from 6.30pm-2.30am. Sound tough, but lets take a ride.

Semester 3 in Degree

The two last weeks of study weeks, I was elected by my classmates to be the Assistant Project  Manager for our PR Dinner "Le Soire D' Elegance" on 23 December 2011 at Grand Imperial, Centro Mall Klang. Less than two weeks of preparations, I had sleepless night to fin my assignments & dinner preparation. Luckily I have my friends that understand & help me compile the work..thank you! Thank god too that 3A was in to it but some of my classmates was not. Can't blame them because we are kind of left out but we did our part & go along. Dinner was success! Even some seniors said or whispered to me that this is the best dinner that PR ever had. I'm not sure if its true or not because we just got into UiTM SA this semester.

A new whole challenges for me this semester. With assignments, various group mates, lecturers and self management and obviously myself. I found out that my credit hour compare to class 3A was higher than them & we need to juggle with it. We did manage it but I'm not satisfied with it, I'm not satisfied with what I produced & the result also showed it. I realize I have been less spending time at my house rent & with my housemates. I'm the only PR in that house & I feel left out. I know some of them wanna say something to me but how could I make them be in my shoes. I'm also haven't spend time with my classmates after class as I feel I need some time alone. I'M LOST! I'm weak and fragile I guess. Easily stress. When I feel this, I keep my distances and walk out. Went straight to my bed and sleep & cried sometimes. I've become pathetic. I don't know who to cry to or to share with because I never share much while I was in Malacca because I had her but now its different, so when I feel sad or down..I will cheer up myself with imaginations & past memories.

Ever since the break up, we left things hanging but we did settle it this semester. I've been screaming in my heart everyday since the break up but I ignore & make myself busy. Maybe she didn't love me from the beginning and I'm just the guy that will keep away from her loneliness but that's all in my mind, I know she love me because I'm the first guy that she allowed in her heart and her life and what we had was once true and real. Now she has removed me from her life and everything. I'm just a lonely stranger that have nothing do with her anymore. This way might be better. As I see her time to time at faculty, I know she is now happy without me. Even her friends said she really like her crush and I realize I'm happy that she found someone. I'm glad that she broke up with me, she is better off without me. I'm just a mistake in her life. However, I never felt this kind of pain, it is a never ending pain. Nothing can change this fact, she will always have a special place in my heart because she is the first girl owned my heart and if we are meant to be, we will be.

2012 will make a difference, I'll become heartless like before I'm into relationship. Plus, I need to find my light & straighten myself . Resolution of 2012 is become independent, manageable, active, punctual, knowledgeable and find my path of Muslim, non the less, stop smoking.

"This way might be better."

Penakut by Yuna

Tak semua kau rancang akan berlaku
Mungkin nasib tak menyebelahi aku
Entah mengapa engkau yang aku cinta
Mungkin lebih baik kau ku lepas saja

Ini tidak adil tidak adil baginya
Ini tidak adil tidak adil bagiku
Ini tidak adil
Untuk engkau bertanya jika ku mencintaimu juga
Tidak adil tidak adil baginya
Kau tak pernah cuba memahami aku
Cinta kau ucap tak pernah engkau tunjuk
Dan bila tiba saat ku kehilangan
Beban yang tak pernah cuba kau ringankan

Kau bukan milikku
Dan aku memang penakut
Mengakui cinta kepadamu
Seribu kali ku cuba ucapkan
Bila bersamamu
Ku bukan milikmu
Dan engkau pun tahu
Ku bukan milikku

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qwDxy9HErDA

Search for the light

Its already have been 18 days of fasting in Ramadhan month. Executing 1 of our Rukun Islam is a-must-thing that we must do in this holy month. It is also an opportunity for us Muslim to be in our best behavior from inside out. Walking straight to the light was not an easy task for me, it requires determination & strong will. How far can I go before I fall back to the dark?? I'll believe if I stay in the right path, I could be a better & happy person. I need to follow my dreams & hope one by one it could be a dream come true. I realize Karma will take away my happiness & dream but I also realize that if it meant to be, then it will be. My bff notice I'm kinda heartless or rather direct, straight forward nowadays or just simply they cant read my mind. Working 6 days a week really help me distracted & help me thinking of others small matter that can be a bigger view. Last 4 month, I created a group at FB called KarmaDonia, where a page group for English drama & Drama Sejarah during my high school year. From there I start to search back my "family". This "family" have taught me to be ME but I forgot bout my origin when I got in university & forgot bout my family till Abg Man pass away. Abg Man was the root of our family. From that time till now, I havent went to arwah's cemetery. I dont know what to say to the "family" as I was one of the youngest that close to arwah. He always texted me till theres a time that I barely reply his text & after a week.. found out he passed away. I was shocked, he texted me, he was fine but he's not! I should have detected his "subtext" messages that he always sent to me but I was too arrogant to see it. I put away my knowledge in drama/theater when I was in university. I remember when I told myself that I wanna join the theater club & the cultural club when i got into university but thats all was left behind. I was too busy being socialize I guess. But thats me, always make myself busy as I know I need to work hard to gain something in return. Its a double edge sword..if you work hard, you can reach your goal but at the same time you will lose valuable times, moments & happiness with your love ones. Like she said, I took things for granted. Maybe she was right, expecting she will understand my condition wasn't an excuse for me to not to give her more attention. Sometimes, I wish I could go back to the old good times, but I deserved it. Losing 1 was not enough, losing 2 was pain bare to handle. I was lost..wandering in my mind. But because of that, I'm slowly following the light that I found while wandering. I guess time will reveal what fate lies for me ahead..for now just let it be.

You all

Can you all.. whoever you are, stop giving me text of "please stay away from her..etc" & links of what she said regarding of me?!! You all don't need to remind me. Like I said, already let her go. What do you all want from me?! She even don't want to answer my call no more. I'm already live a half life here! Although its painful. But that what I have left. I'll write it again. I'll be back! I'll wait for her. Even if she got married, my love wont fade as she is the first & last that will always be part of me. Call me what ever you all want.. stupid, dumb, innocent.. I don't give a damn! This is what I deserve.

Principles

Since the first week of my semester break till now, the 7th week..I manage to restrain myself from contacting her. Its tough, very very tough. Everyday was pain but i'll endure & wait for the right time. I really need to do this, after her friend told me to stay away from her & showed me that she felt annoyed & she prefer to ignore me. Well, its clear that she is protected by loved ones. I thought if I could bbm you as usual, i could share a bit of my expressions & feelings. But it seem you is shutting me out totally. You said you want me to be your friend, I tried but its you who cant. You even use the word 'ex' with your friends when it refers to me. It hurts, but i deserve it.

I still dream of her, miss her, care for her but everyday is a challenge. Theres a time when i got her miss call after work during week 6, I call her directly in case she have something important, but she said wrong dialed number. Hearing her voice for 10second was better than nothing. I was happy, although it was for a very short time..it was joy that I havent felt for quite some time. A part of me was lost, i was trying to live a half life after our break up. I did let her go & move on, but a part of her will remain in my heart. Call me a fool, but since i have stick to my principles with not get in touch with her for her sake & her friend notice, now one of my principles is she will be first & last. This is a punishment for me..love is a punishment from heaven, with that I'll endure & wait. Dont care what others will say & think. If I cant keep my principles & promises, then I'm no good & havent change for better. I have to change, if not, i'll live in regret.