Search for balance

The 1st month of 2011,things going well with new semester I guess but my team had some difficulties with our project since we can't figure out our topic or problems. We are doing on Selamat Pagi Malaysia show since 3 peoples in my group are committee for the part6 project,so we have to contribute something for our event. Part 6 are so boring, I mean with our daily lives! We don't have any activities to do. I do remember that in the 1st week of the semester, we didn't go to our 1st class but we went to town like almost everyday. I don't interact much with classmates, I mean I haven't actually hang out with half of them. Lately,we have been close with Sutera's. We hang out,eat & do activities together.

My financial currently on a tight budget as my dad have some problems,so RM50 a week. He was also having problem to provide RM300 as I need to pay off the professional project fund+year book+pre-graduation dinner. But I believe he is trying hard to deal with it. On the other hand,mom already plan to go to Jakarta in the end of the month, if things are alright. Housemates are in 'Jiwa Kacau' mode as everyone have "heart" problems I guess. How can I describe..lonely, frustrated, letting go, love at heart & facing the problem at hand.

About her.. every night before sleep, I will think of her,same thing when I wake up. But I realized that she was a gift, I was a mistake & I ruined it as I have lost her respect. She deserve better but no one can love her like I do. "Even if we get sad, let's smile at our memories because its the last thing I can possible say to you...I lived to this day for you more than anyone...Now I got to let you go, be happy after our break up...live like that". Its true that I fake a smile everyday but I can't let that bothers me.

On 23rd jan..I took a walk around the lake that night to reminisce all that happened those days.. I stand near steps and I said to myself, "It's time for me to let go & if she come back to me & she is mine". My heart closed & I'm just let the love come to me. Guess I rather in pain than feel nothing at all.

On my birthday..I didn't celebrate it or throw party but I got a treat from ms Mai for lunch at Johnys Steamboat. I'm busy with appointment with JKM to get sponsor. Me & Sob borrow Aishah's car & went to their office with Ian,Knita & Dhiya. We seem will get sponsor on protocol as they can't help with DP field rent that is cost RM10000! Luckily, Ashman,Zie, Waqi & Ms Mai got it for free but need to pay for the electric charge. But at evening, we did manage to get CM to rasmi our event. At night, me & Jim talk under the stars,then later join by Ian,Waqi & Sob. We talk & talk, as if we got a lot to share. Midnight, we all went mamak as Taki owe me. hanging out with the Suteras make me laugh a lot!

The rest of the week was quite hectic as me, Sob & Knita went to here & there to settle documents & meeting. On Wednesday, we had to meet up with PM Sab to get her approve to our budget on foods & publicity. On that day, Ayu & Azyan want to propose a new tittle & right after the meeting we search for Cheeti village & BabaNyonaya village to get contacts. We had a meeting at the library later that day to hear the new title but as we heard, it was an old topic that have been use..so we stick to the old ones. So we had our consultation on Thursday, it didnt go very well as everything seem wrong. This is a test of my wisdom & patience. I need to get balance!Even if its mean to be so down to earth.

28 jan.. me, Sob, Bani, Ian & Taki convoy with Thiya, Knita, Nad & Nad's lil sis. Convoy was fun although different car. Taki was alone & he lead Nad to S.A. Sob's girl ask us to hang out & shisha!! So we drop Ian at home as he has no money. So we meet up at Dagang Avenue, where me, Sob, Bani, Sha, Malin & soon joined by Raz & Nay. We had our laughter till he was mad at me in "invaded" privacy. I was like offended but I have to take care of his feeling as he does take things too deep. But I soon feel pissed as the next morning he said 'dont do it again'. OMG! He cant take jokes & being tease?! He is so insensitive! I'm sorry if I hurt you unintentionally, but you need to remember that what I did is small than what you always do.

29 & 30 jan.. The whole family went to Perlis. My relatives from Sarawak have already ahead heading there. The trip was smooth with no traffic jam. We all were invited to have dinner with Perlis family. The next day was having breakfast with mom's old friend. We had Nasi Kandar Kangar for breakfast & went to kenduri after Zohor. Things went smoothly & but I found out that my cousin & her husband had car accident before the kenduri, that was unfortunate but they were fine. Actually, my cousin married a guy from Perlis, so that Sunday was be their kenduri. My family & relatives went to Padang Besar after kenduri with the same outfit from the kenduri. Obviously people looked at us as we all wearing blue colour outfits.haha. Padang Besar was like Manga 2 Jakarta but smaller. That night, my mood was ruined as my friend as for his money back. I didnt have any choice but to used my RM300 thats supposed to be used to pay part 6 event, pre-graduation dinner & year book. I guess I have to work in catering this holidays, if theres any left & use my up coming allowance to pay up next Monday. I got to be very very careful in spending. sigh.

31 jan..My 1st time of going to Pulau Langkawi. Our parents & big bro didnt follow, soI have to woke up early in the morning as me & my lil bro need to meet up our relatives at the jetty. However, one of their car got punctured tire, so we had to take the boat at 9pm. We got ourselves a rented van to explore the island. The 1st thing we all want to do was take a ride of the cable car & walk on a bridge on the top of the hills. But too bad, since the wind was quite strong that day, we could not ride it. So we went to the airport area, Mahsuri Museum & had lunch there. Don't get me wrong, i am out of money but my aunt support my trip. Nothing much we did there, just bought some chocolates & had dinner at Dad's friend house.

I reminisce, why did I text you & why did I'm being so dorky?! I should leave you alone. I should find a good listener to talk too. Maybe I was excited but I was not cautious to myself & feeling. I have to stop for awhile. Restrain myself.

Tolong cover OK!

Pagi tadi ku wat tampal gigi ku yg berlubang dkt clinic & dentist ngn adik ku. Ble turn ku da setel tampal gigi, adik ku belom dipanggil lg. So ku lepak duk luar klinik, duk dlm sejuk & mgantok! Tetibe de sorg mak cik menangis & meraung dpn klinik! Ku ingt someting happen, rupa2nya makcik tue mengamok ngn ank pompuan dier coz kantoi ank dier merokok dkt sblh klinik.

Kesian ku tgk makcik tue. Menghancurkan perasaan & kepercayaan mak dier. Bengang gak ku tgk pompuan tue tp ku taw dier msti rasa bersalah. Think logically laa, ko kluar ngn mak ko, sempat lagi nk hisap se-pam dua?! Nasib baik ada nurse tolong tenangkan makcik tue & bawak duk kt bangku dpn klinik. De pakcik guard lak tegur dak pompuan tue elok2. "Hang nie dak baik, pakcik taw tp hang ni buat benda xpikir pjg. Xpikir psl org lain ngn sekeliling hang! Kalo bukan pakcik mai kt hang, pasti ada org lain yg tegor hang. Hang da la pkai tudong, jaga ckit perlakuan hang! kita Melayu, kita orang Islam taw dok?!".

Dalam hati ku, "Melayu? Islam?? Does it mean something to us Malay Muslim? I mean, kte sering dengar, merokok haram, merokok memudaratkan kesihatan;berdosa, & macam2 lg. Well, its up to the individuals." Then ku pn pkir lagi, "IF I was a smoker & one day kantoi with parents..I can predict how my life will be. My dad dont trust me, my mom disappointed with me, what else? Thats bad enough fr me! Makcik tue duk dpn ku je & later dier siap call kawan2 budak perempuan tue, tanya spe influence ank dier! Dak pompuan tue da hilang ntah ke mne. Kawan2 dak pompuan tue pn xtaw & terkejot yg dier hisap rokok. Maybe some of them taw, tp wat2 terkejot dlm phone. But for those yg xtaw, surprise!!

Well, she deserve it! How long do you think you can lie to your mom or others. Smoking in the public dgn pkai tudung lak tue. Cover la ckit! Memang takde rasa malu ke hisap rokok in public & pkai tudung?? Lepas ni dgr berita "Wanita Bertudung Hisap Rokok mencemarkan agama Islam"?? Mesti panas kan? Then rasa xpuas hati. Tapi betol kan? I bet, one day if this kind of tudung girls smoking in the public, ntah laki mne dtg kt ko & lempang ko then lecture ko! Baru time tue nk sedar kot.

Tak kisah la kalo korang nk hisap rokok pn, bukan ku halang pn. Sape je ku? Just sbg peringatan, yg pkai tudung, COVER CEMERLANG la merokok!Pandai2 hidup la. But, do believe in Karma!

In the End.

Whats the differences between friends & ex that turn to friend?
When You texting to;
Friends: Reply ASAP or treat like usual.
Ex: Reply later, he will understand or text short n' unusual treat(a lil bit mean).
I have been texting with You for awhile. I can see the difference. I'm not blind!

When You planning something with;
Friends: A lot of ideas & excited with it.The plan comes true.
Ex: You act like You are into it but when that day come, no mood & unexcited with it.
I know its too good to be true.

When You say this & that;
Friends: You'll definitely keep your promise.
Ex: the promise that You gave wasn't matter anymore, You dont owe him anything.
Yeah, I dont blame You but stop give empty promises, You said "Dont make promises if you cannot keep it".
I think that advice was for You.

"We will work things out."
You know what you're doing to me yet You play all the way.
YOU were right!
I am naive.

I'm now done.
I'll shut myself from You.
It's for the best.
Rather than letting You giving hopes or promises that sound real but its NOT & it hurts.
You're friendship was rather sympathy than welcoming.


You...
Don't lie to your loved ones,
they will just get hurt.
You might regret & will be fine of loosing one of them,
but what ever that You had in life, treasure it.

Deny all You want, but I can see it clearly.
Even if You say "Dont act like you know me".
You have never been straight forward with me.
You should!
But You leave things unsettle.
And yet we are over.

All your deep thinking, all your regrets.
You were thinking of yourself,
Chasing dreams.
You just want to make yourself better than before.
You should clear it up with me rather than keeping to yourself.
Even we were together back then, You still keep it.

I realize that I wasn't important enough till You even broke this heart.
You want me to move on?
It's easy for You, as You did it.
But I'll soon learn from it.
Step by step. Day by day.
I'll heal myself, but this wound will last forever.

We will meet another time,
soon or after,
as a friend or never.
I'm very thankful with everything that I had
And accept whatever that fall on me.

Open my eyes..hurts.

One more week until semester break over. Sigh. It's going to be over soon. I wish I could stay in bed or have a getaway some where not in Msia..but i cant!hey, I can dream it while i am asleep right?! I did have fun with my friends with playing at the waterfall, get together at mamak sometimes, played pool & snook, got punctured tyre at BB, holiday at Kuching, Sarawak. More to come actually, I just follow my friends plans to fill my days.

Well, not everyday are fun.. I had my bad days.. I'm just tired of getting myself hurt. I prefer to be alone sometimes, although I have developed 'hatred' towards her but I know I shouldn't have that feeling, it's not her fault. I keep telling myself not to blame others of my own mistakes. Negative aura surrounds me everyday, so I try to be optimistic around family, friends & people.

When i'm alone, I look at our picture in the frame that you gave. When i'm outside, everytime i took out my wallet.. i accidentally look at our picture. I hated that we couldnt see each other. I would get jealous & pissed at you that you would always have plans with your friends. But you're the one who leave me. This wound will remain forever. Yes, I should "Move on"! "Dont be naive"! "Love Yourself"! "Jangan manja2" what else? You might be happier, god knows.

My greatest fear is losing you and it happened.

It's Not Over (in Denial)

By Secondhand Serenade.

My tears run down like razorblades
And no, I'm not the one to blame
It's you ' or is it me?
And all the words we never say
Come out and now we're all ashamed
And there's no sense in playing games
When you've done all you can do

But now it's over, it's over, why is it over?
We had the chance to make it
Now it's over, it's over, it can't be over
I wish that I could take it back
But it's over

I lose myself in all these fights
I lose my sense of wrong and right
I cry, I cry
It's shaking from the pain that's in my head
I just wanna crawl into my bed
And throw away the life I led
But I won't let it die, but I won't let it die

But now it's over, it's over, why is it over?
We had the chance to make it
Now it's over, it's over, it can't be over
I wish that I could take it back

I'm falling apart, I'm falling apart
Don't say this won't last forever
You're breaking my heart, you're breaking my heart
Don't tell me that we will never be together
We could be, over and over
We could be, forever

I'm falling apart, I'm falling apart
Don't say this won't last forever
You're breaking my heart, you're breaking my heart
Don't tell me that we will never be together
We could be, over and over
We could be, forever

It's not over, it's not over, it's never over
Unless you let it take you
It's not over, it's not over, it's not over
Unless you let it break you
It's not over

Let You Go.

Just heard “If I Let You Go” by Westlife.

Time pass away,
And I can’t get you off my mind...
But if I let her go..
She will never know how much she means to me..
Will I ever see she smiles back to me?
Maybe..
But, I have let to her go..
Because I love her so much!!
I can’t let her be with me,
Because I don’t deserve to have her love.

We will work things out,
That was the old feeling saying,
As much as I missed you,
I know you don’t feel the same anymore,
No more ‘Comot’,
And no more ‘Comel’,

I have to learn to accept it..
The hard way!
I’ll leave her alone.
Hurt & pain as much as it feels,
It will remain as a deep scar,
I’ll rather live with it,

“If you hate someone so much,
God will give love to you for that person.
If you love someone too much,
God will bring hatred to you for that person.”

Teenage Dream

I think you’re pretty
Without any make-up on
I think you’re funny
When you tell the punch line wrong
I knew you get me
When you let your walls come down, down

Before you met me
I was a wreck
But things were kinda heavy
You brought me to life
Now every February
You'll be my valentine, valentine

Let's just talk all through the night
There’s no need to rush
We can dance until we die
You and I
We'll be young forever

You make me
Feel like
I'm living a Teenage Dream
The way you turn me on
I can't sleep
Let's runaway
And don't ever look back
Don't ever look back

My heart stops
When you look at me
Just one touch
Now baby I believe
This is real
So take a chance
And don't ever look back
Don't ever look back

When you around me
Life like a movie scene
I wasn’t happy
Until you became my Queen
I finally found you
My missing puzzle piece
I'm complete
Let's just talk all through the night
There’s no need to rush
We can dance until we die
You and I
We'll be young forever

You make me
Feel like
I'm living a Teenage Dream
The way you turn me on
I can't sleep
Let's runaway
And don't ever look back
Don't ever look back

My heart stops
When you look at me
Just one touch
Now baby I believe
This is real
So take a chance
And don't ever look back
Don't ever look back

I will get your heart racing
If that what you need
In this teenage dream tonight

Let you rest your head on me
If that what you need
In this teenage dream tonight..tonight

You make me
Feel like
I'm living a Teenage Dream
The way you turn me on
I can't sleep
Let's runaway
And don't ever look back
Don't ever look back

My heart stops
When you look at me
Just one touch
Now baby I believe
This is real
So take a chance
And don't ever look back
Don't ever look back
I will get your heart racing
If that what you need
In this teenage dream tonight

Let you rest your head on me
If that what you need
In this teenage dream tonight..Tonight