Semester 3 in Degree

The two last weeks of study weeks, I was elected by my classmates to be the Assistant Project  Manager for our PR Dinner "Le Soire D' Elegance" on 23 December 2011 at Grand Imperial, Centro Mall Klang. Less than two weeks of preparations, I had sleepless night to fin my assignments & dinner preparation. Luckily I have my friends that understand & help me compile the work..thank you! Thank god too that 3A was in to it but some of my classmates was not. Can't blame them because we are kind of left out but we did our part & go along. Dinner was success! Even some seniors said or whispered to me that this is the best dinner that PR ever had. I'm not sure if its true or not because we just got into UiTM SA this semester.

A new whole challenges for me this semester. With assignments, various group mates, lecturers and self management and obviously myself. I found out that my credit hour compare to class 3A was higher than them & we need to juggle with it. We did manage it but I'm not satisfied with it, I'm not satisfied with what I produced & the result also showed it. I realize I have been less spending time at my house rent & with my housemates. I'm the only PR in that house & I feel left out. I know some of them wanna say something to me but how could I make them be in my shoes. I'm also haven't spend time with my classmates after class as I feel I need some time alone. I'M LOST! I'm weak and fragile I guess. Easily stress. When I feel this, I keep my distances and walk out. Went straight to my bed and sleep & cried sometimes. I've become pathetic. I don't know who to cry to or to share with because I never share much while I was in Malacca because I had her but now its different, so when I feel sad or down..I will cheer up myself with imaginations & past memories.

Ever since the break up, we left things hanging but we did settle it this semester. I've been screaming in my heart everyday since the break up but I ignore & make myself busy. Maybe she didn't love me from the beginning and I'm just the guy that will keep away from her loneliness but that's all in my mind, I know she love me because I'm the first guy that she allowed in her heart and her life and what we had was once true and real. Now she has removed me from her life and everything. I'm just a lonely stranger that have nothing do with her anymore. This way might be better. As I see her time to time at faculty, I know she is now happy without me. Even her friends said she really like her crush and I realize I'm happy that she found someone. I'm glad that she broke up with me, she is better off without me. I'm just a mistake in her life. However, I never felt this kind of pain, it is a never ending pain. Nothing can change this fact, she will always have a special place in my heart because she is the first girl owned my heart and if we are meant to be, we will be.

2012 will make a difference, I'll become heartless like before I'm into relationship. Plus, I need to find my light & straighten myself . Resolution of 2012 is become independent, manageable, active, punctual, knowledgeable and find my path of Muslim, non the less, stop smoking.

"This way might be better."

Penakut by Yuna

Tak semua kau rancang akan berlaku
Mungkin nasib tak menyebelahi aku
Entah mengapa engkau yang aku cinta
Mungkin lebih baik kau ku lepas saja

Ini tidak adil tidak adil baginya
Ini tidak adil tidak adil bagiku
Ini tidak adil
Untuk engkau bertanya jika ku mencintaimu juga
Tidak adil tidak adil baginya
Kau tak pernah cuba memahami aku
Cinta kau ucap tak pernah engkau tunjuk
Dan bila tiba saat ku kehilangan
Beban yang tak pernah cuba kau ringankan

Kau bukan milikku
Dan aku memang penakut
Mengakui cinta kepadamu
Seribu kali ku cuba ucapkan
Bila bersamamu
Ku bukan milikmu
Dan engkau pun tahu
Ku bukan milikku

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qwDxy9HErDA

Search for the light

Its already have been 18 days of fasting in Ramadhan month. Executing 1 of our Rukun Islam is a-must-thing that we must do in this holy month. It is also an opportunity for us Muslim to be in our best behavior from inside out. Walking straight to the light was not an easy task for me, it requires determination & strong will. How far can I go before I fall back to the dark?? I'll believe if I stay in the right path, I could be a better & happy person. I need to follow my dreams & hope one by one it could be a dream come true. I realize Karma will take away my happiness & dream but I also realize that if it meant to be, then it will be. My bff notice I'm kinda heartless or rather direct, straight forward nowadays or just simply they cant read my mind. Working 6 days a week really help me distracted & help me thinking of others small matter that can be a bigger view. Last 4 month, I created a group at FB called KarmaDonia, where a page group for English drama & Drama Sejarah during my high school year. From there I start to search back my "family". This "family" have taught me to be ME but I forgot bout my origin when I got in university & forgot bout my family till Abg Man pass away. Abg Man was the root of our family. From that time till now, I havent went to arwah's cemetery. I dont know what to say to the "family" as I was one of the youngest that close to arwah. He always texted me till theres a time that I barely reply his text & after a week.. found out he passed away. I was shocked, he texted me, he was fine but he's not! I should have detected his "subtext" messages that he always sent to me but I was too arrogant to see it. I put away my knowledge in drama/theater when I was in university. I remember when I told myself that I wanna join the theater club & the cultural club when i got into university but thats all was left behind. I was too busy being socialize I guess. But thats me, always make myself busy as I know I need to work hard to gain something in return. Its a double edge sword..if you work hard, you can reach your goal but at the same time you will lose valuable times, moments & happiness with your love ones. Like she said, I took things for granted. Maybe she was right, expecting she will understand my condition wasn't an excuse for me to not to give her more attention. Sometimes, I wish I could go back to the old good times, but I deserved it. Losing 1 was not enough, losing 2 was pain bare to handle. I was lost..wandering in my mind. But because of that, I'm slowly following the light that I found while wandering. I guess time will reveal what fate lies for me ahead..for now just let it be.

You all

Can you all.. whoever you are, stop giving me text of "please stay away from her..etc" & links of what she said regarding of me?!! You all don't need to remind me. Like I said, already let her go. What do you all want from me?! She even don't want to answer my call no more. I'm already live a half life here! Although its painful. But that what I have left. I'll write it again. I'll be back! I'll wait for her. Even if she got married, my love wont fade as she is the first & last that will always be part of me. Call me what ever you all want.. stupid, dumb, innocent.. I don't give a damn! This is what I deserve.

Principles

Since the first week of my semester break till now, the 7th week..I manage to restrain myself from contacting her. Its tough, very very tough. Everyday was pain but i'll endure & wait for the right time. I really need to do this, after her friend told me to stay away from her & showed me that she felt annoyed & she prefer to ignore me. Well, its clear that she is protected by loved ones. I thought if I could bbm you as usual, i could share a bit of my expressions & feelings. But it seem you is shutting me out totally. You said you want me to be your friend, I tried but its you who cant. You even use the word 'ex' with your friends when it refers to me. It hurts, but i deserve it.

I still dream of her, miss her, care for her but everyday is a challenge. Theres a time when i got her miss call after work during week 6, I call her directly in case she have something important, but she said wrong dialed number. Hearing her voice for 10second was better than nothing. I was happy, although it was for a very short time..it was joy that I havent felt for quite some time. A part of me was lost, i was trying to live a half life after our break up. I did let her go & move on, but a part of her will remain in my heart. Call me a fool, but since i have stick to my principles with not get in touch with her for her sake & her friend notice, now one of my principles is she will be first & last. This is a punishment for me..love is a punishment from heaven, with that I'll endure & wait. Dont care what others will say & think. If I cant keep my principles & promises, then I'm no good & havent change for better. I have to change, if not, i'll live in regret.

Work

Miss typing random things, feeling & thoughts. Well, where to start..I did a plan where I will holiday for a month & work for 3 months. At first, I was planning to have my 2 weeks holiday & at the same time get a job but it seem it took me a bout a month to get a job. I went a lot of places & finally i got a job from SuperStar Karaoke at Wangsa Walk. I got a call at 1.30am on the day i start working. 3 days was tiring, working as steward or runner i would say, i did manage to catch up quickly. By the end of week 2, I was already chosen to be in-charge for 2 weeks & my customer service was superb compare to the other male staff, that what my manger said. Now its already week 3. Im so hoping to be off from the in-charge duty as soon as possible. The others seniors from night shift was kinda dislike? with my good performance or I didnt have the right to be in charged after just start working for 2 weeks I guess. Im planning to earn as much as possible & even do OT. What I'm so excited now is there will be an Annual Staff Dinner on 8th August 2011 & the prize for the lucky draw are Ipad2 & Iphone4!! I was like..wanna scream during the briefing. But theres all together 80 staff from Superstar Wangsa Walk & Superstar Alamanda. So among that 80 peeps, there will be 1 who will get Ipad2 & 1 will get Iphone4. Hope my luck doesnt run out during that day.haha. Oh, didnt i mention..I work from 10.30am-7.30pm & then briefing(postmortem) at 8pm-9pm. if I do OT, continue from 9pm-2.30am. TOTAL EXHAUSTED! But i like working there so far, got new friends & learn to be discipline & responsible. I hope the coming month will be better as well.

Short expression

This has been really really tough semester for me. Being multitasking, push yourself to the limit, mentally trying to be optimistic. People don't understand what we did to get all that they need. It's tough & relying on us was too much. We were trying our best. We did & it was a success. YMC will be a memory that taught me tough-rough situation in work-life. However, right after our event, assignment got to start back. Interviews, findings, compiling. I was pushing my mates with research. On my viva, I did the most stupid mistake that I ever done in my presentation. I put the unapproved RORQ in the slide. That was a truly shit happens. God open my eyes that I need to be more conscious & prepare. I deserve it..all of it.

Enough bout YMC & research. This is what i want to express. I was looking forward to see her after a long time i guess since she was avoiding me. She came to YMC. The awkward part is I met her in front of the toilet entrance. What a coincidence but I didn't talk, just merely say hi..after a few step, she called & ask me where am I going. I was so happy that time as if I want to hug her but again, its impossible. I was energize when I saw her. Since then, most of my dream there will be her..most of the dream that i tried to remember when I woke up, I just don't remember, but I know she was there because when I suddenly wake up, I realize I was in tears. Don't know where I was happy in tears or just sad. This morning, I remember my dream. I was at the airport & in front of me, there she was hugging her friends with her backpack on. I'm guessing she is going abroad. Lastly, she came & hug me tightly. As if i could smell her channel perfume, her warmth..she then whisper "I still love you, really do..". Again, I woke up with tears. I sat on my bed for a while & thinking, was that dream just showing my heart desire that i want her to say that or what God is trying to tell me that although she left me, she still love you or don't think too much, just let it be. Still running in my mind. Whatever it is, I'll be back.

This 4 month of semester break or summer break, I've been planning to work & swimming to loss weight & get fit. There's a lot of things that I wanna buy & with the RM500 that I won from the TV program, I'll gonna use for holiday!!! Happy holidays everyone. :D

Relatives come for CNY & holiday in KL

Since my family & my relatives are staying over at my house till Saturday, there will be a CNY celebration at home!! The day before CNY, I was asked to follow Ida, Nisa & Abg Wan out to town. We went to The Gardens first for some sight seeing & then head to Mid Valley for window shopping. Later that evening we went JJ AU Keramat to see the night safari. Well its actually animal-figured lights, kinda like ICT a lil bit. So we didnt wait till night as me & the women need to prepare dinner for the big feast. We prepare 5 dishes! We all ate together like the old days when grandma still alive without some other relatives as well. After Yee Sang, I have to head to Low Yatt as uncle wanna buy iPhone4. I had to wait for an hour or so, in the mean time Taki, Malin & Bani were waiting for me for shisha at Castle but since i was late, we head to Cheras instead.

Woke up early in the morning to go to Carrefour for breakfast at Laksa Shack. After break, we head to Pavilion & Ida start to here & there shopping like never before. We had a stop at the mini tarbush & satay section there after a long walk. We are not done yet, we went to Sogo & Ikea for some window shopping. I manage to persuade Ida to have dinner at the cafeteria.

the next morning, Dad aske me to follow him to Seremban for a kenduri. I was down because cant follow my cousin to Alamanda. I have never been there & so unfair I gotta be a driver that day.haih. Well, didn't manage to see or hug bye2 my cousins & aunt that day before they went back to Kuching.

Sunday morning, I rushed in packing my things without had any bath as I'm trying to get to the meeting spot on time. Well actually, I had a ride back to Malacca with my school friend who also studying at the same university but different course. In the car, we just keep talking till his dad sent me to the Pengkalan. There were no traffic jam heading there but getting out from toll Simpang Ampat & getting in to KL are hectic!! The boys haven't sleep since yesterday but I'm the one who fall asleep soon after that Sunday.haha

Search for balance

The 1st month of 2011,things going well with new semester I guess but my team had some difficulties with our project since we can't figure out our topic or problems. We are doing on Selamat Pagi Malaysia show since 3 peoples in my group are committee for the part6 project,so we have to contribute something for our event. Part 6 are so boring, I mean with our daily lives! We don't have any activities to do. I do remember that in the 1st week of the semester, we didn't go to our 1st class but we went to town like almost everyday. I don't interact much with classmates, I mean I haven't actually hang out with half of them. Lately,we have been close with Sutera's. We hang out,eat & do activities together.

My financial currently on a tight budget as my dad have some problems,so RM50 a week. He was also having problem to provide RM300 as I need to pay off the professional project fund+year book+pre-graduation dinner. But I believe he is trying hard to deal with it. On the other hand,mom already plan to go to Jakarta in the end of the month, if things are alright. Housemates are in 'Jiwa Kacau' mode as everyone have "heart" problems I guess. How can I describe..lonely, frustrated, letting go, love at heart & facing the problem at hand.

About her.. every night before sleep, I will think of her,same thing when I wake up. But I realized that she was a gift, I was a mistake & I ruined it as I have lost her respect. She deserve better but no one can love her like I do. "Even if we get sad, let's smile at our memories because its the last thing I can possible say to you...I lived to this day for you more than anyone...Now I got to let you go, be happy after our break up...live like that". Its true that I fake a smile everyday but I can't let that bothers me.

On 23rd jan..I took a walk around the lake that night to reminisce all that happened those days.. I stand near steps and I said to myself, "It's time for me to let go & if she come back to me & she is mine". My heart closed & I'm just let the love come to me. Guess I rather in pain than feel nothing at all.

On my birthday..I didn't celebrate it or throw party but I got a treat from ms Mai for lunch at Johnys Steamboat. I'm busy with appointment with JKM to get sponsor. Me & Sob borrow Aishah's car & went to their office with Ian,Knita & Dhiya. We seem will get sponsor on protocol as they can't help with DP field rent that is cost RM10000! Luckily, Ashman,Zie, Waqi & Ms Mai got it for free but need to pay for the electric charge. But at evening, we did manage to get CM to rasmi our event. At night, me & Jim talk under the stars,then later join by Ian,Waqi & Sob. We talk & talk, as if we got a lot to share. Midnight, we all went mamak as Taki owe me. hanging out with the Suteras make me laugh a lot!

The rest of the week was quite hectic as me, Sob & Knita went to here & there to settle documents & meeting. On Wednesday, we had to meet up with PM Sab to get her approve to our budget on foods & publicity. On that day, Ayu & Azyan want to propose a new tittle & right after the meeting we search for Cheeti village & BabaNyonaya village to get contacts. We had a meeting at the library later that day to hear the new title but as we heard, it was an old topic that have been use..so we stick to the old ones. So we had our consultation on Thursday, it didnt go very well as everything seem wrong. This is a test of my wisdom & patience. I need to get balance!Even if its mean to be so down to earth.

28 jan.. me, Sob, Bani, Ian & Taki convoy with Thiya, Knita, Nad & Nad's lil sis. Convoy was fun although different car. Taki was alone & he lead Nad to S.A. Sob's girl ask us to hang out & shisha!! So we drop Ian at home as he has no money. So we meet up at Dagang Avenue, where me, Sob, Bani, Sha, Malin & soon joined by Raz & Nay. We had our laughter till he was mad at me in "invaded" privacy. I was like offended but I have to take care of his feeling as he does take things too deep. But I soon feel pissed as the next morning he said 'dont do it again'. OMG! He cant take jokes & being tease?! He is so insensitive! I'm sorry if I hurt you unintentionally, but you need to remember that what I did is small than what you always do.

29 & 30 jan.. The whole family went to Perlis. My relatives from Sarawak have already ahead heading there. The trip was smooth with no traffic jam. We all were invited to have dinner with Perlis family. The next day was having breakfast with mom's old friend. We had Nasi Kandar Kangar for breakfast & went to kenduri after Zohor. Things went smoothly & but I found out that my cousin & her husband had car accident before the kenduri, that was unfortunate but they were fine. Actually, my cousin married a guy from Perlis, so that Sunday was be their kenduri. My family & relatives went to Padang Besar after kenduri with the same outfit from the kenduri. Obviously people looked at us as we all wearing blue colour outfits.haha. Padang Besar was like Manga 2 Jakarta but smaller. That night, my mood was ruined as my friend as for his money back. I didnt have any choice but to used my RM300 thats supposed to be used to pay part 6 event, pre-graduation dinner & year book. I guess I have to work in catering this holidays, if theres any left & use my up coming allowance to pay up next Monday. I got to be very very careful in spending. sigh.

31 jan..My 1st time of going to Pulau Langkawi. Our parents & big bro didnt follow, soI have to woke up early in the morning as me & my lil bro need to meet up our relatives at the jetty. However, one of their car got punctured tire, so we had to take the boat at 9pm. We got ourselves a rented van to explore the island. The 1st thing we all want to do was take a ride of the cable car & walk on a bridge on the top of the hills. But too bad, since the wind was quite strong that day, we could not ride it. So we went to the airport area, Mahsuri Museum & had lunch there. Don't get me wrong, i am out of money but my aunt support my trip. Nothing much we did there, just bought some chocolates & had dinner at Dad's friend house.

I reminisce, why did I text you & why did I'm being so dorky?! I should leave you alone. I should find a good listener to talk too. Maybe I was excited but I was not cautious to myself & feeling. I have to stop for awhile. Restrain myself.