"This way might be better."

Penakut by Yuna

Tak semua kau rancang akan berlaku
Mungkin nasib tak menyebelahi aku
Entah mengapa engkau yang aku cinta
Mungkin lebih baik kau ku lepas saja

Ini tidak adil tidak adil baginya
Ini tidak adil tidak adil bagiku
Ini tidak adil
Untuk engkau bertanya jika ku mencintaimu juga
Tidak adil tidak adil baginya
Kau tak pernah cuba memahami aku
Cinta kau ucap tak pernah engkau tunjuk
Dan bila tiba saat ku kehilangan
Beban yang tak pernah cuba kau ringankan

Kau bukan milikku
Dan aku memang penakut
Mengakui cinta kepadamu
Seribu kali ku cuba ucapkan
Bila bersamamu
Ku bukan milikmu
Dan engkau pun tahu
Ku bukan milikku

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qwDxy9HErDA

Search for the light

Its already have been 18 days of fasting in Ramadhan month. Executing 1 of our Rukun Islam is a-must-thing that we must do in this holy month. It is also an opportunity for us Muslim to be in our best behavior from inside out. Walking straight to the light was not an easy task for me, it requires determination & strong will. How far can I go before I fall back to the dark?? I'll believe if I stay in the right path, I could be a better & happy person. I need to follow my dreams & hope one by one it could be a dream come true. I realize Karma will take away my happiness & dream but I also realize that if it meant to be, then it will be. My bff notice I'm kinda heartless or rather direct, straight forward nowadays or just simply they cant read my mind. Working 6 days a week really help me distracted & help me thinking of others small matter that can be a bigger view. Last 4 month, I created a group at FB called KarmaDonia, where a page group for English drama & Drama Sejarah during my high school year. From there I start to search back my "family". This "family" have taught me to be ME but I forgot bout my origin when I got in university & forgot bout my family till Abg Man pass away. Abg Man was the root of our family. From that time till now, I havent went to arwah's cemetery. I dont know what to say to the "family" as I was one of the youngest that close to arwah. He always texted me till theres a time that I barely reply his text & after a week.. found out he passed away. I was shocked, he texted me, he was fine but he's not! I should have detected his "subtext" messages that he always sent to me but I was too arrogant to see it. I put away my knowledge in drama/theater when I was in university. I remember when I told myself that I wanna join the theater club & the cultural club when i got into university but thats all was left behind. I was too busy being socialize I guess. But thats me, always make myself busy as I know I need to work hard to gain something in return. Its a double edge sword..if you work hard, you can reach your goal but at the same time you will lose valuable times, moments & happiness with your love ones. Like she said, I took things for granted. Maybe she was right, expecting she will understand my condition wasn't an excuse for me to not to give her more attention. Sometimes, I wish I could go back to the old good times, but I deserved it. Losing 1 was not enough, losing 2 was pain bare to handle. I was lost..wandering in my mind. But because of that, I'm slowly following the light that I found while wandering. I guess time will reveal what fate lies for me ahead..for now just let it be.

You all

Can you all.. whoever you are, stop giving me text of "please stay away from her..etc" & links of what she said regarding of me?!! You all don't need to remind me. Like I said, already let her go. What do you all want from me?! She even don't want to answer my call no more. I'm already live a half life here! Although its painful. But that what I have left. I'll write it again. I'll be back! I'll wait for her. Even if she got married, my love wont fade as she is the first & last that will always be part of me. Call me what ever you all want.. stupid, dumb, innocent.. I don't give a damn! This is what I deserve.

Principles

Since the first week of my semester break till now, the 7th week..I manage to restrain myself from contacting her. Its tough, very very tough. Everyday was pain but i'll endure & wait for the right time. I really need to do this, after her friend told me to stay away from her & showed me that she felt annoyed & she prefer to ignore me. Well, its clear that she is protected by loved ones. I thought if I could bbm you as usual, i could share a bit of my expressions & feelings. But it seem you is shutting me out totally. You said you want me to be your friend, I tried but its you who cant. You even use the word 'ex' with your friends when it refers to me. It hurts, but i deserve it.

I still dream of her, miss her, care for her but everyday is a challenge. Theres a time when i got her miss call after work during week 6, I call her directly in case she have something important, but she said wrong dialed number. Hearing her voice for 10second was better than nothing. I was happy, although it was for a very short time..it was joy that I havent felt for quite some time. A part of me was lost, i was trying to live a half life after our break up. I did let her go & move on, but a part of her will remain in my heart. Call me a fool, but since i have stick to my principles with not get in touch with her for her sake & her friend notice, now one of my principles is she will be first & last. This is a punishment for me..love is a punishment from heaven, with that I'll endure & wait. Dont care what others will say & think. If I cant keep my principles & promises, then I'm no good & havent change for better. I have to change, if not, i'll live in regret.

Work

Miss typing random things, feeling & thoughts. Well, where to start..I did a plan where I will holiday for a month & work for 3 months. At first, I was planning to have my 2 weeks holiday & at the same time get a job but it seem it took me a bout a month to get a job. I went a lot of places & finally i got a job from SuperStar Karaoke at Wangsa Walk. I got a call at 1.30am on the day i start working. 3 days was tiring, working as steward or runner i would say, i did manage to catch up quickly. By the end of week 2, I was already chosen to be in-charge for 2 weeks & my customer service was superb compare to the other male staff, that what my manger said. Now its already week 3. Im so hoping to be off from the in-charge duty as soon as possible. The others seniors from night shift was kinda dislike? with my good performance or I didnt have the right to be in charged after just start working for 2 weeks I guess. Im planning to earn as much as possible & even do OT. What I'm so excited now is there will be an Annual Staff Dinner on 8th August 2011 & the prize for the lucky draw are Ipad2 & Iphone4!! I was like..wanna scream during the briefing. But theres all together 80 staff from Superstar Wangsa Walk & Superstar Alamanda. So among that 80 peeps, there will be 1 who will get Ipad2 & 1 will get Iphone4. Hope my luck doesnt run out during that day.haha. Oh, didnt i mention..I work from 10.30am-7.30pm & then briefing(postmortem) at 8pm-9pm. if I do OT, continue from 9pm-2.30am. TOTAL EXHAUSTED! But i like working there so far, got new friends & learn to be discipline & responsible. I hope the coming month will be better as well.

Short expression

This has been really really tough semester for me. Being multitasking, push yourself to the limit, mentally trying to be optimistic. People don't understand what we did to get all that they need. It's tough & relying on us was too much. We were trying our best. We did & it was a success. YMC will be a memory that taught me tough-rough situation in work-life. However, right after our event, assignment got to start back. Interviews, findings, compiling. I was pushing my mates with research. On my viva, I did the most stupid mistake that I ever done in my presentation. I put the unapproved RORQ in the slide. That was a truly shit happens. God open my eyes that I need to be more conscious & prepare. I deserve it..all of it.

Enough bout YMC & research. This is what i want to express. I was looking forward to see her after a long time i guess since she was avoiding me. She came to YMC. The awkward part is I met her in front of the toilet entrance. What a coincidence but I didn't talk, just merely say hi..after a few step, she called & ask me where am I going. I was so happy that time as if I want to hug her but again, its impossible. I was energize when I saw her. Since then, most of my dream there will be her..most of the dream that i tried to remember when I woke up, I just don't remember, but I know she was there because when I suddenly wake up, I realize I was in tears. Don't know where I was happy in tears or just sad. This morning, I remember my dream. I was at the airport & in front of me, there she was hugging her friends with her backpack on. I'm guessing she is going abroad. Lastly, she came & hug me tightly. As if i could smell her channel perfume, her warmth..she then whisper "I still love you, really do..". Again, I woke up with tears. I sat on my bed for a while & thinking, was that dream just showing my heart desire that i want her to say that or what God is trying to tell me that although she left me, she still love you or don't think too much, just let it be. Still running in my mind. Whatever it is, I'll be back.

This 4 month of semester break or summer break, I've been planning to work & swimming to loss weight & get fit. There's a lot of things that I wanna buy & with the RM500 that I won from the TV program, I'll gonna use for holiday!!! Happy holidays everyone. :D

Relatives come for CNY & holiday in KL

Since my family & my relatives are staying over at my house till Saturday, there will be a CNY celebration at home!! The day before CNY, I was asked to follow Ida, Nisa & Abg Wan out to town. We went to The Gardens first for some sight seeing & then head to Mid Valley for window shopping. Later that evening we went JJ AU Keramat to see the night safari. Well its actually animal-figured lights, kinda like ICT a lil bit. So we didnt wait till night as me & the women need to prepare dinner for the big feast. We prepare 5 dishes! We all ate together like the old days when grandma still alive without some other relatives as well. After Yee Sang, I have to head to Low Yatt as uncle wanna buy iPhone4. I had to wait for an hour or so, in the mean time Taki, Malin & Bani were waiting for me for shisha at Castle but since i was late, we head to Cheras instead.

Woke up early in the morning to go to Carrefour for breakfast at Laksa Shack. After break, we head to Pavilion & Ida start to here & there shopping like never before. We had a stop at the mini tarbush & satay section there after a long walk. We are not done yet, we went to Sogo & Ikea for some window shopping. I manage to persuade Ida to have dinner at the cafeteria.

the next morning, Dad aske me to follow him to Seremban for a kenduri. I was down because cant follow my cousin to Alamanda. I have never been there & so unfair I gotta be a driver that day.haih. Well, didn't manage to see or hug bye2 my cousins & aunt that day before they went back to Kuching.

Sunday morning, I rushed in packing my things without had any bath as I'm trying to get to the meeting spot on time. Well actually, I had a ride back to Malacca with my school friend who also studying at the same university but different course. In the car, we just keep talking till his dad sent me to the Pengkalan. There were no traffic jam heading there but getting out from toll Simpang Ampat & getting in to KL are hectic!! The boys haven't sleep since yesterday but I'm the one who fall asleep soon after that Sunday.haha